Thursday, October 19, 2006

If Betty Butterfield visited the CoC...

Lol, several people on the ex-CoC board decided to speculate on what she would say, here is some of what they came up with:

I suggest this familiar font for the opening title:

And, of course, 728-B a capella for the opening sequence.

Then Betty comes on in her most depressed, hand-wringing, mood ever:
"This lady at work, bless her heart she don't never seem to smile or have nothin' fun in her life, like maybe gettin' her nails did, or wunna them pedicures, well she done invited me to this church, the 'Church of Christ.' I thought it was like the Church of God so I said Lawsy honey, if we gon' go down to the Church of God you have GOT to get your hair did, an' at least put on some ear-bobs!" but she seemed like the shy type and I thought soon as they get the spirit she'll loosen up ... Lawzy Mercy I do love my ear-bobs, these come from J.C. Penney!"

I looked in the telephone di-rectory and there were bunches of these churches of christ. Sometimes even two on the same street! I picked me out one that had "The Churches of Christ Salute You" printed under their listing. I thought that was real special.

I drove my Honda down to that part of town and like to have never found the place. They must not believe in puttin' up no signs or nuthin'. I drove by the place about 5 or 6 times before I realized it was a church. It didn't have no steeple or windows or anything on it. There was only one little-bitty sign that said "The church of Christ meets here".

I was afraid it might be one of them house churches or somethin' and I almost turned around and went back home, but I saw some men standing outside smokin' so I thought maybe they weren't too bad.

Well in we went and I mean they swarmed me like flies. I got whoozy from all the 'ttention. The ladies in the vestibule shook my hand, and one of them stuck a miniature rose on my chest. She said they gave one to all the visitors. Everything was going real good until I saw one of the ladies starin' at my Joyce Meyer's Study Bible...

They was real nice til they heard I was attending the churches of my choice to learn more about God's houses. Then I heard one of the women whisper, "she's a gonna go to HELL for that"....I couldn't stop my crying.......

Well, we sashayed on up the brown carpet and lawzy I ain't never seen so much brown, they was brown panelin' all over the walls, a brown alter thang and podium, and two brown what-cha-call plaque thangs on the front walls sayin' what numbers to turn to in the songbook and who all attended and how much they give. The pews was brown too, and the bricks on the outside it was built of. They wat'n no steeple or no cross, just a sign and a parkin' lot, not even a swingset for the babies. Them babies had to sit still an' I saw this one woman haul off an' swat her baby's bottom with a songbook, for droppin' her pacifier. I give her a nasty look but then her husband give me a even nastier one. I sure hoped when they got the spirit they was fixin' to git in a better mood.

There was this little swimmin' pool behind the preecher. I thought that was nice. He could get his exercise in that pool after the people went home. The pool shoulda been bigger, though. Were'nt big enuf fer a good swim.

The preacher didn't wear no robes or nuthin', just like a Baptist. An' he hollered like a Baptist too--only what he was hollerin' about was how wrong all the Baptists were! I guess maybe his daddy was a Baptist an' he's takin' out his childhood traumas. Now I ain't takin' up for that Billy Graham, no way no how, lord he's done got one foot in the grave an' he ain't never gotten the holy spirit yet. I keep prayin' the spirit will come on him before he goes to Heaven so he'll know what they're talkin' about in case they speak in tongues up there. Well let me tell you, them church of Christ people don't just think he's behind on gettin' the full gospel, they think he's all the way goin' to Hell, an' I mean for eat-ernity.
Lawd I never heard nobody's ever preached that strict, even them Mormons!

When that preacher finally got through with what-all was wrong with Billy Graham, he read this Bible verse "Baptistm does also now save us" and then he asked the congregation, "WHAT did it say also now saves us?" an' nobody answered so I spoke up. "Baptism, you just said it that's right ain't it" an' he didn't even pay me no mind. Them other people shushed me right quick so's I thought I had the answer wrong!

And den when the praycheer finished talking he offered an invitation. I nudged the lady sittin' next to me and ask her where the party is at? Lawd I love a good brisket and iced tea and that is what they would have at a party. But before she could answer they started singing...again. Dey sang so many songs- but not all the versus. The words are all wrong though. I didn't know I was at the poor church- they didn't even have a piano or organ.

Then a few of the men stood in front of the remembrance table. And wanted to pray again. Then they carried plates that looked like chargers. I've got one at home that I got from JC Penney's. Lawd, it makes my table look so pretty at Thanksgiving. Their chargers had little pieces of crackers in, and people were reaching in and getting just one and eating it. That's jest nasty. I couldn't do that. I guess it was appetizer before the party. If they are gonna be that cheap- they can keep their brisket.

Well, I won't be goin' back to that awful place. (crying) Those mean people didn't even mention God's good grace. I's glad I could smoke with some of the men out front, but Sister Idalene came chargin' out and told me that I had better get movin' out of the lot--they didn't have any room for the likes o me. I'm sa sad, I think I need to go back to the Cath-Licks.

And now I am out of Prozac and it's Sunday and the Dr's office isn't open till tomorrow... Oh Laudy, what am I going to do... What an awful day, just awful I tell ya....


Martin said...

That's hilarious!

Stephanie said...

Hey Martin! Hehe, I thought so too :-D

Tiber Jumper said...

that's a riot, nice post

Kasia said...

If that is anything like a reasonable description of the C of C, I officially renounce any claim to having had a rough religious upbringing. I will never again allow myself to entertain self-pity for having been raised Unitarian; transvestites and atheists have nothing on that!

(I'm only half-kidding...)

Stephanie said...

Lol, Kasia!